The Zap - the site the Chinese government is currently using as its home page

Friday, December 31, 2004


I got an offer from Cambridge (BA Computer Science at Queens', AAA including Mathematics and Further Mathematics, not including General Studies :p)! Last night, when I was watching The 100 Greatest TV Treats of 2004 and they showed Kelly Holmes after she'd won one of her gold medals at the Olympics, I thought to myself "That's how I'm going to be if I get an offer from Cambridge". In the end, I wasn't. I was too tired, but after it had settled in, I was pretty happy. I still am. Nearly as happy as I was when Esther Ransen started crying on The 100 Greatest TV Treats of 2004 when she was talking about the final episode of Friends. That was funny.

Anyway, have a great New Year's Eve everyone, and may the new year bring... erm... good stuff for you all :)

Sunday, December 26, 2004

I broke my finger on Christmas Day

I tooooooy... with your miiiiiiiiiinds! Having threatened to kill the blog if I continued not to receive comments, I received ten comments on the last entry, SHATTERING the previous record of six. See how well we work together as a team? You keep giving me ego boosts, I keep writing for you - everybody's happy! On the other hand, 7 out of 10 of the comments (i.e. a majority) were anonymous, another thing I asked you all to put an end to, so... I guess we'll call this one a draw. There's no need to be shy - maybe we can have an 'introduce yourself' section in the new year?

Christmas was a bit of a disappointment. Presents were slightly shoddy, so I treated myself to the digital camera my mum bought as a gift for the family. They haven't noticed it's missing yet, but they'll probably forget it even exists first, so I should get away with it. I got up about 1 o'clock to open them (my presents, not my family), everybody else had already been up for hours and opened all of theirs. When I got downstairs, my mum and sister seemed to be really tetchy, at each other's throats. Can't remember why, not sure I even knew in the first place, but they decided to drag me into it, and I eventually ended up punching a wall in frustration. Hit it slightly harder than I meant to, at first I thought I'd broken my little finger, although now it looks like I've just fractured the knuckle ('I broke my finger...' is catchier though, so I've left it as the title). It's weird, I always thought with that sort of impact fracture, you'd break the skin first, but I didn't even lose a drop of blood. So skin's tougher than bone - you learn something knew every day. After the swelling had settled down, I settled down to watch Finding Nemo on the Disney Channel, and dinner was pretty good as well (both of them), so it wasn't all bad.

I'm going away for a few days, to gay Paris. Most of you won't really care, seeing as there are very rarely less than a few days between my successive blog entries, but there are a few of you who read this who I also talk to in the real world (well, on MSN) who I've forgotten to tell, so this is the best way I could think of to let you know. As for the long post I've been promising for a few weeks, after me putting it off for so long due to laziness, it's kind of lost relevance now, so there's probably not a lot of point in putting it up. Having said that, I am quite keen to make a record of its purported contents (so I don't forget to cover them in my inevitable autobiography), so I may make a brief summary of them when I get back to Blighty. Until then, a belated Merry Christmas and enjoy the run-up to the New Year.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I rule!

Actually, I don't. People who say "I rule!" or "I rock!" tend to be twats. Wait, scrap that. They are twats. I've had an inkling about this for a while, but I only ever had the behaviour of one person to go by. Now I've seen it enough times to be certain. At least I've seen it enough times on internet forums. I'm not sure anyone even says it in real life. So people who say "I rule!" or "I rock!" on internet forums are twats. Hmm. I guess that weakens the whole point, seeing as most people who use internet forums are twats anyway. Okay, I've got it. Anyone who says "I rule!" or "I rock!" on an internet forum is an even bigger twat than most of the other people that use internet forums. Right. Done. The thing I haven't quite made my mind up about, though, is whether them saying the aforementioned makes them twats, or it's just twats who say it. I'm not even certain why I find it so irritating. I guess it's like post-arrogance. Arrogance without having anything to be arrogant about. Lazy arrogance. Lazy and arrogant. Two things that I am definitely not.

Talking of twats (but thinking of a different word which I decided not to use for fear of offending anyone reading. Actually, is twat okay to use? I know they get upset when people use it on the radio, but I've always thought of it as less shit or fuck and more crap or bollocks. If anyone is offended though, I apologise for my repeated use of the word 'twat'.), what's up with people who say "one"? Obviously I don't mean in the context of a number - that would just be stupid - but as in "One would expect...". (I'm not sure why I used that example. Just random. Maybe someone could psychoanalyse it and tell me.) It's just so unnecessary. What's wrong with "you", e.g. "You would expect..."? It may not be strictly correct, to be honest I'm not really sure, but who cares? It just sounds so much more natural. "One"... who are you trying to impress?! I don't have a clue whether this is true or not, but I'm going to go out on a limb to say that English is the only language in the world to have a word specifically for use in this context. Put an end to the madness, kids - don't say "one" where you could say "you". Spread the word. (The word 'you', not 'one'. Hehehe. I'm too much.) The only exception is royalty. Apparently there's a law that says they have to say "one". Or something.

Anyway, now that I've established who is a twat and who isn't, onto my last day at school. It was crap. In fact it was so crap, it reminded me why I want to kill myself (I'd kind of forgotten). As soon as I got into my form room I found out that Devrup was the first person in my school to have received a Cambridge offer. Doesn't sound so bad until you realise that we've had a little rivalry going on for the past year or so (possibly since I implied that he was a bit stupid and just works really hard, I can't really remember). Then we had a little bet over who'd do better in Physics AS, he beat me by one mark (one fucking mark!) and I didn't hear the end of it for weeks. So if I don't get an offer from Cambridge now, it'll just destroy me. However, that was far from being the worst thing that happened to me. House assembly. We're about 10 minutes in when suddenly everyone turns round and starts cheering. I look round to see what's going on to see that some 4th year's walked in with his head completely shaved. Turns out that he had really long hair before and he shaved it all off for charity. That was my idea! What am I supposed to do now?! If I do the same, I'll just look like a copycat. Then, to rub salt into the proverbial wound, he won a chocolate orange as an award for his artistic originality! Words cannot describe how I feel about him, although I'll try to give you some idea of what I think of him by saying that he's a twat (okay, I lied; I hadn't finished on that topic at all). So yeah. I wanted to die.

It wasn't all bad though. Earlier that day, during our full school assembly (last day of school's basically a day of assemblies) I noticed for the first time in 6 years that Jerusalem is basically just one big sexual innuendo. I mean take this line: "Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand". What's that all about?! Admittedly I haven't had a chance to analyse the whole song, but I'm assuming that this is typical of the whole thing. What was really funny, though, was Mehul's reaction to it. He was standing next to me, so I leaned over, pointed it out and he just stood there for a moment, thinking about, before bursting out laughing so that by the time he finished, everyone else had long stopped singing. You probably had to be there...

Also on Friday, I drank Apple Tango for the first time in... a while. (They were all out of 7-Up in my local chicken and chips place, 'California Chicken'. I wish that was the worst thing I could say about the place, but, having now eaten food from there for the first time either without the company of others or without the veil of alcohol, I now realise that they probably make the worst food known to man. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe in a few weeks. Suffice to say, I know even refuse to walk past the place for fear of the memories it'll bring back.) Anyway, I swear it used to be apply and fizzy, but now it's just sugary and flat. I just wish now that I could have drunk more of the good stuff while I had the chance.

Then that night I watched Jonathan Ross. I like him. He had the Beautiful South on, but I was almost positive that they split up. That wasn't the first time I've heard from since they 'split up', but it just reminded me that they were supposed to have split up. I realise bands are allowed to re-form, but they could at least tell someone about it! Actually, after all that, maybe it's the Divine Comedy I'm thinking of. Hmm. Did they split up then reform, then... Anyway, it would probably make sense for me to delete all this to save myself embarrassment, but that would prevent me from fitting in this seamless link. *Cough* Talking of Jonathan Ross (and there it is), now that he's turned himself into a respected film critic through Film 2004, he must be so ashamed of his brother Paul. For those of you who don't realise, Paul Ross is the New of the World's resident film reviewer, and while Jonathan is slating 'Blade Trinity' and such like, Paul's telling us how brilliant they all are. I don't think I'd be able to cope with that if I were Jonathan. I'd probably... erm... kill Paul or something. Or at least tell him to give up the old film lark.

After Jonathan Ross, I switched my telly off. Second lesson with my new driving instructor in the morning so needed an early night. He's pretty cool, but he seems to have issues with my slalom-style steering. I say it was necessary to avoid the oncoming traffic whilst also missing the parked cars, he says I should have slowed down. Guess it's just a difference of opinion.

The more difficult amongst you will be saying to yourselves now "Hold up a minute. This was posted on Tuesday. Why does he keep going on about last Friday?" The reason is that I started writing this on Friday and just never got round to finishing it - in fact I'm working from little notes written at the bottom of my screen right now - and even though it's just making more work for myself, I feel obliged to give you something new and fresh. So here it is. Saw Muse last night. They were great. Didn't really get into it until New Born, about halfway through the set, but they dropped balloons on us from the ceiling, followed by bigger balloons with lots of little balloons inside, so it was all worthwhile. Got home about 1 and had an early breakfast in front of 'Breaking the Magician's Code'. Anyone remember that? It's the one with the Masked Magician. I think it was one of the first episodes, where the stupidly up himself host says: "I've heard all the theories about the Masked Magician's identity. Well let me tell you this. You're not even close." Does anyone remember all the fuss that was made when it was announced that the Masked Magician was going to reveal his identity? Does anyone remember who it actually was? No. That's why none of the theories were close! No one had fucking heard of him!

Well, that's about it from me, so I'll finish as I started: with a point of complete inanity. I would like to address the origins of the phrase 'the dog's bollocks'. I actually came upon them (pun unintentional) talking to someone on the last day of the Champions League group stages about how great the word 'bollocks' actually is, but I didn't realise I had done so until a few days ago. What happened was some non-entity in history noticed, as I did that fine day, how great a word 'bollocks' is, and was dismayed by the fact that it's slang meaning is so negative. He therefore created the phrase 'the dog's bollocks', so that this linguistically fantastic word could be associated with similarly fantastic things. His plan in the long run, of course, was for the meaning of the word 'bollocks' to be replaced by that of the phrase 'the dog's bollocks'. You've probably already noticed people today referring to things that really are top notch as 'the bollocks'. Mark my words, within a few years that final 'the' will have disappeared, and you'll be shouting "BOLLOCKS!" every time your footy team scores rather than when their opponents do.

I'm afraid to say that this could be the end of 'The Zap' (the title of this blog, in case you were wondering). The problem is the lack of comments. For the first time in the blog's history, I am writing this entry with no comments on either of the last two entries. Comments are my inspiration, and without them I'm not sure how much longer I can go on. That's why this entry isn't as funny as previous ones. I need the comments. Preferably not anonymous ones. Anonymous posters confuse me. They're twats (sorry - I really need to get this out of my system). Not really. I love you all. Please don't stop reading.

Long post by the end of the week (which ironically probably won't be as long as this one)...

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Scrubs janitor

Anyone remember the episode of Scrubs where JD finds out that the janitor is actually an actor who had a minor part in The Fugitive? Well, after 6 months or so, I just got round to checking out whether the guy who plays the janitor (Neil Flynn) actually was the cop in The Fugitive or they just set it up. And guess what. He was! Also, why is it that peas taste like crap, but green beans, which are more or less a line of peas held together with a bit of skin (as in vegetable skin), are actually pretty good?

There is actually a link between that brilliant fact and that thought-provoking question, by the way. Basically I was reading Zach Braff's blog (he's the guy who plays JD in Scrubs if you're wondering, and it's actually really good, so check it out. Unless you've got some sort of blog quota and can only read one blog. In which case, don't) and he brought up Scrubs and started talking about how Colin Farrell is going to be in it, this big name actor who's been in movies, which got me thinking again about whether the janitor was actually in The Fugitive. Then I read the comments on the post and saw that a lot of people were getting excited about their comments being some of the first (he tends to get in the region of 1000 per entry) - to quote one: "NO WAY MAN I AM LIKE THE 6th commentor!!! bloody hell. ( i am not brittish)lol" (there's way too much in that comment to tear apart, so I'm not gonna bother) - but then they just go and talk shit or suck dick - to quote the very first comment: "this weeks episode of scrubs was amazing as usual. keep up the great work zach!" Why? Why would anyone feel the need to say that? So anyway, that got me thinking about what I'd say if I got the chance to make one of the first comments, and I decided I'd probably just ask him about the whole peas/beans paradox. So that's it. Maybe next I'll be able to establish a conclusive link between quantum mechanics and general relativity.

Big post coming any day now (probably not including aforementioned link between quantum mechanics and general relativity)...

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The Grammys

They're so biased towards R'n'B and hip-hop. And shit music. What a load of bollocks.