I rule!

Actually, I don't. People who say "I rule!" or "I rock!" tend to be twats. Wait, scrap that. They are twats. I've had an inkling about this for a while, but I only ever had the behaviour of one person to go by. Now I've seen it enough times to be certain. At least I've seen it enough times on internet forums. I'm not sure anyone even says it in real life. So people who say "I rule!" or "I rock!" on internet forums are twats. Hmm. I guess that weakens the whole point, seeing as most people who use internet forums are twats anyway. Okay, I've got it. Anyone who says "I rule!" or "I rock!" on an internet forum is an even bigger twat than most of the other people that use internet forums. Right. Done. The thing I haven't quite made my mind up about, though, is whether them saying the aforementioned makes them twats, or it's just twats who say it. I'm not even certain why I find it so irritating. I guess it's like post-arrogance. Arrogance without having anything to be arrogant about. Lazy arrogance. Lazy and arrogant. Two things that I am definitely not.

Talking of twats (but thinking of a different word which I decided not to use for fear of offending anyone reading. Actually, is twat okay to use? I know they get upset when people use it on the radio, but I've always thought of it as less shit or fuck and more crap or bollocks. If anyone is offended though, I apologise for my repeated use of the word 'twat'.), what's up with people who say "one"? Obviously I don't mean in the context of a number - that would just be stupid - but as in "One would expect...". (I'm not sure why I used that example. Just random. Maybe someone could psychoanalyse it and tell me.) It's just so unnecessary. What's wrong with "you", e.g. "You would expect..."? It may not be strictly correct, to be honest I'm not really sure, but who cares? It just sounds so much more natural. "One"... who are you trying to impress?! I don't have a clue whether this is true or not, but I'm going to go out on a limb to say that English is the only language in the world to have a word specifically for use in this context. Put an end to the madness, kids - don't say "one" where you could say "you". Spread the word. (The word 'you', not 'one'. Hehehe. I'm too much.) The only exception is royalty. Apparently there's a law that says they have to say "one". Or something.

Anyway, now that I've established who is a twat and who isn't, onto my last day at school. It was crap. In fact it was so crap, it reminded me why I want to kill myself (I'd kind of forgotten). As soon as I got into my form room I found out that Devrup was the first person in my school to have received a Cambridge offer. Doesn't sound so bad until you realise that we've had a little rivalry going on for the past year or so (possibly since I implied that he was a bit stupid and just works really hard, I can't really remember). Then we had a little bet over who'd do better in Physics AS, he beat me by one mark (one fucking mark!) and I didn't hear the end of it for weeks. So if I don't get an offer from Cambridge now, it'll just destroy me. However, that was far from being the worst thing that happened to me. House assembly. We're about 10 minutes in when suddenly everyone turns round and starts cheering. I look round to see what's going on to see that some 4th year's walked in with his head completely shaved. Turns out that he had really long hair before and he shaved it all off for charity. That was my idea! What am I supposed to do now?! If I do the same, I'll just look like a copycat. Then, to rub salt into the proverbial wound, he won a chocolate orange as an award for his artistic originality! Words cannot describe how I feel about him, although I'll try to give you some idea of what I think of him by saying that he's a twat (okay, I lied; I hadn't finished on that topic at all). So yeah. I wanted to die.

It wasn't all bad though. Earlier that day, during our full school assembly (last day of school's basically a day of assemblies) I noticed for the first time in 6 years that Jerusalem is basically just one big sexual innuendo. I mean take this line: "Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand". What's that all about?! Admittedly I haven't had a chance to analyse the whole song, but I'm assuming that this is typical of the whole thing. What was really funny, though, was Mehul's reaction to it. He was standing next to me, so I leaned over, pointed it out and he just stood there for a moment, thinking about, before bursting out laughing so that by the time he finished, everyone else had long stopped singing. You probably had to be there...

Also on Friday, I drank Apple Tango for the first time in... a while. (They were all out of 7-Up in my local chicken and chips place, 'California Chicken'. I wish that was the worst thing I could say about the place, but, having now eaten food from there for the first time either without the company of others or without the veil of alcohol, I now realise that they probably make the worst food known to man. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Maybe in a few weeks. Suffice to say, I know even refuse to walk past the place for fear of the memories it'll bring back.) Anyway, I swear it used to be apply and fizzy, but now it's just sugary and flat. I just wish now that I could have drunk more of the good stuff while I had the chance.

Then that night I watched Jonathan Ross. I like him. He had the Beautiful South on, but I was almost positive that they split up. That wasn't the first time I've heard from since they 'split up', but it just reminded me that they were supposed to have split up. I realise bands are allowed to re-form, but they could at least tell someone about it! Actually, after all that, maybe it's the Divine Comedy I'm thinking of. Hmm. Did they split up then reform, then... Anyway, it would probably make sense for me to delete all this to save myself embarrassment, but that would prevent me from fitting in this seamless link. *Cough* Talking of Jonathan Ross (and there it is), now that he's turned himself into a respected film critic through Film 2004, he must be so ashamed of his brother Paul. For those of you who don't realise, Paul Ross is the New of the World's resident film reviewer, and while Jonathan is slating 'Blade Trinity' and such like, Paul's telling us how brilliant they all are. I don't think I'd be able to cope with that if I were Jonathan. I'd probably... erm... kill Paul or something. Or at least tell him to give up the old film lark.

After Jonathan Ross, I switched my telly off. Second lesson with my new driving instructor in the morning so needed an early night. He's pretty cool, but he seems to have issues with my slalom-style steering. I say it was necessary to avoid the oncoming traffic whilst also missing the parked cars, he says I should have slowed down. Guess it's just a difference of opinion.

The more difficult amongst you will be saying to yourselves now "Hold up a minute. This was posted on Tuesday. Why does he keep going on about last Friday?" The reason is that I started writing this on Friday and just never got round to finishing it - in fact I'm working from little notes written at the bottom of my screen right now - and even though it's just making more work for myself, I feel obliged to give you something new and fresh. So here it is. Saw Muse last night. They were great. Didn't really get into it until New Born, about halfway through the set, but they dropped balloons on us from the ceiling, followed by bigger balloons with lots of little balloons inside, so it was all worthwhile. Got home about 1 and had an early breakfast in front of 'Breaking the Magician's Code'. Anyone remember that? It's the one with the Masked Magician. I think it was one of the first episodes, where the stupidly up himself host says: "I've heard all the theories about the Masked Magician's identity. Well let me tell you this. You're not even close." Does anyone remember all the fuss that was made when it was announced that the Masked Magician was going to reveal his identity? Does anyone remember who it actually was? No. That's why none of the theories were close! No one had fucking heard of him!

Well, that's about it from me, so I'll finish as I started: with a point of complete inanity. I would like to address the origins of the phrase 'the dog's bollocks'. I actually came upon them (pun unintentional) talking to someone on the last day of the Champions League group stages about how great the word 'bollocks' actually is, but I didn't realise I had done so until a few days ago. What happened was some non-entity in history noticed, as I did that fine day, how great a word 'bollocks' is, and was dismayed by the fact that it's slang meaning is so negative. He therefore created the phrase 'the dog's bollocks', so that this linguistically fantastic word could be associated with similarly fantastic things. His plan in the long run, of course, was for the meaning of the word 'bollocks' to be replaced by that of the phrase 'the dog's bollocks'. You've probably already noticed people today referring to things that really are top notch as 'the bollocks'. Mark my words, within a few years that final 'the' will have disappeared, and you'll be shouting "BOLLOCKS!" every time your footy team scores rather than when their opponents do.

I'm afraid to say that this could be the end of 'The Zap' (the title of this blog, in case you were wondering). The problem is the lack of comments. For the first time in the blog's history, I am writing this entry with no comments on either of the last two entries. Comments are my inspiration, and without them I'm not sure how much longer I can go on. That's why this entry isn't as funny as previous ones. I need the comments. Preferably not anonymous ones. Anonymous posters confuse me. They're twats (sorry - I really need to get this out of my system). Not really. I love you all. Please don't stop reading.

Long post by the end of the week (which ironically probably won't be as long as this one)...