The Zap - the site the Chinese government is currently using as its home page

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Masturbation helps to improve your vision

Further to previous entry "Masturbation makes you go blind", which was really just a euphemism for me to say spending most of my life sat at my computer monitor was making my eyesight deteriorate, it now appears that masturbation helps to improve your vision, i.e. sitting at a computer monitor 24/7 is good for your eyes!

I went to the optician's the other day for a check up, because things were starting to look blurry through my glasses, and it turns out my vision's actually getting better. Not a tiny bit either - last time I went I was 2.25/2.5; now I'm 1.75/2 (I know!). For some reason though, the optician said I should still be taking breaks away from the computer every 20 minutes or so. What the fuck? Surely if my eyesight's getting better, I should keep doing what I'm doing? She probably just doesn't want me to get x-ray vision. Bitch.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

PS2 control pads

Why is "analogue" spelt "analog" on the UK ones? I'm going to scratch the "ue" on as a sign of defiance at the gradual Americanisation (note spelling with an 's' rather than a 'z'. Also, it's pronounced fucking ZED) of our language. Okay, that was a lie. I'm not scratching up my lovely PS2 control pad. But Americans really need to learn to use superfluous 'u's, 'e's and repetitions of letters.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Daddy longlegs

I just grabbed one by two of its legs, trying to kill it, and it just flew off, leaving its two legs behind. Now that is hardcore.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I want to write a musical

Charting the history of Christianity, or maybe just the life of Jesus. I don't think anything like that has been done before.

Monday, September 11, 2006

I was on MTV2!

I mean, I didn't see me... but I was definitely there.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Insomniacs - missed a trick?

Think about it. While everyone else sleeps, they could take over the country. Add up all the countries and you get yourself a whole world. Insomniacs of the world unite!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

David Frost singing "Hey" by the Pixies...

...would be really funny. In fact David Frost singing anything would be pretty funny. Somebody find me a copy of David Frost singing something.