The Zap - the site the Chinese government is currently using as its home page

Friday, March 10, 2006


On the box it says it's for "rapid relief from mouth ulcers", yet under 'possible side-effects' it lists "mouth ulcers". So you put it on a mouth ulcer you already have, and it gets rid of it nicely, but then, because of the Anbesol, you develop another ulcer where the old one used to be. Do you put more Anbesol on it, or will that just make it worse? Is an Anbesol induced mouth ulcer different to any other one? Do you just have to leave it to go away on its own? Because if that's the case, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF USING THE FUCKING ANBESOL IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I hurt quite a lot right now

Let me explain. It all began when my jeans were too long. They hung over the backs of my trainers, dragging along the wet, muddied pavement like a destabilised water-skier through the ocean. At first I didn't care, for I did not notice, but eventually the filthy pavement-dew weakened the stitching along the jean equivalent of cuffs enough for them to come away from the jean equivalent of sleeves, which I shall call 'legs', causing loops of denim to develop in my jeans, which very much resmbled stirrups, by my heels.

I was a little bit peeved. They're nice jeans. Really comfortable. Good colour. A little loose around the waist, which probably goes some way to explain the hanging over the backs of my trainers, but I can't complain. However, I was in no way prepared for what was to happen next in this tragic affair. It was a normal day. I can't remember what day, but it was a normal one. Got up at about 2:30. Checked my emails. Had a shower. Had lunch at around 4. Like I said, just a normal day. But it was about to take a horrible turn for the worse. As I sat down at around 6:30 to check my emails again, I found something shocking. Something that, in all my time checking my emails, I had never expected to find. I found: AN EMAIL. In my shock, I lurched forward in my wheely desk chair, inadvertently running over the stirrup-like thing that had developed at the bottom of my right jean leg and ripping the jean cuff further away.

This I was not happy about. It made the loop quite large so that it dangled irritatingly, brushing against my right heel. But this was to be the least of my concerns. Today, Thursday the 2nd of March, 2006, I was innocently watching Seinfeld on Paramount 2 whilst munching on a ham sandwich. It wasn't very good. Seinfeld, I mean. The sandwich was quite pleasant. Never really got the fuss over Seinfeld. The second episode today was alright, but... meh.

Anyway, having finished the sandwich, I got up to take my plate to the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher. However, I had barely reached the hallway when (readers of a sensitive disposition, look away now) MY LEFT FOOT CAUGHT IN THE LOOP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RIGHT LEG OF MY JEANS AND I WENT FLYING ONTO THE FLOOR. At first I was slightly shaken up, but despite being sore, I couldn't fail to soon see the funny side of my ridiculous predicament, and I was soon laughing my hairy, little head off. So eventually I calmed myself down and unhooked my foot from my jeans. Except apparently I didn't. And I crashed to the floor again. Only this time, I didn't laugh, because I was in too much pain. I don't know why I was in so much pain, seeing as I'd only got myself about halfway off the floor before I went down again, but seriously, I could hardly move for a good few minutes. Just coughed a lot. I thought that I'd fractured my hip. In the end, I got away with a busted knee (right) and a bruised buttock (left). And some chocolate on my white t-shirt. Which looked like shit. But next time I might not be so lucky.

Disclaimer: sadly, all of this actually happened. Even the bit where I fell over for a second time. Although the chocolate may not have been connected to it. In fact, it wasn't. That happened when I was eating a KitKat later on. But I wanted the story to flow.