The Zap - the site the Chinese government is currently using as its home page

Thursday, February 09, 2006

How do you people sleep at night?!

Seriously. I think I've actually forgotten how to sleep. I used to say I had insomnia, but really I was just lazy. Too lazy to go to sleep. Yes. But now I've actually developed hardcore insomnia, and it's shit. Whatever time I get up in the morning, or however little sleep I've had the night before, I just can't nod off, unless I'm completely and utterly exhausted, which seems to become the case at around 5:30.

I think it's maybe because my subconscious (fucking subconscious) has cottoned onto the fact that I don't have any reason to get up in the morning, and therefore no reason to go to sleep. Or maybe it's trying to protect me from something. Like the other day, I got up at 1(pm) for the Spurs match, which kicked off at 1:30, and as I traipsed off to the bathroom, I heard somebody taking a pregnancy test in the toilet. Now I wasn't sure what a pregnancy test sounded like beforehand, partly because I'd never had the pleasure of taking one, but more because I couldn't imagine any real difference between the sound of someone peeing on a stick and someone peeing not on a stick, which itself doesn't sound of very much, and to be honest, if someone now asked me to replicate the sound of somebody taking a pregnancy test, I think I'd struggle, but my instant reaction to the sound that came from the toilet was "Ah - pregancy test". You just know it when you hear it. Not that I ever confirmed that that was what was going on. I'm sure the conversation could have only been awkward. But I'm fairly confident.

I don't really want to be witness to strangers taking pregnancy tests in my house. I don't think anyone wants to. If you're going to be so irresponsible as to go out and get knocked up by some stranger, then you can deal with the repercussions of taking a pregnancy test in your own house, where you risk being overheard by your boyfriend who quite obviously knows that you didn't have sex with him last night. I probably won't be getting up before 1pm again anytime soon.

I've started growing a beard. Well, I say "started growing". What I mean is, I just can't be bothered to shave. I read on wikipedia that before Nick Drake killed himself, he stopped cutting his hair, shaving and cutting his nails, so I thought "That's a good idea!" And since I gave up on my hair a long time ago, I didn't really have much to lose. The nails might have to wait, though. I can imagine they'd get in the way a bit.

But it's a really lame beard. I was expecting something really grandiose, but it's not. It's rubbish. I've actually made a bet with it over which of us will achieve greatness first. I probably have a slight advantage, considering that it's a beard, i.e. an inanimate object, and therefore not really cut out for dealing with money, but I'd be lying if I said I was confident. I have my suspicions that I'm actually dying it white, with what I affectionately refer to as my "zit cream", but I'm not really willing to risk the discomfort necessary to find out for certain.

I was eating a yoghurt the other day, and I was wondering 1) "am I the only person who pronounces it 'y'gurt'?" (although I wonder that every time I eat a yoghurt, so that's not really that interesting), but mainly 2) how long would it take to completely clear the pot of all visible signs of yoghurt residue? Is it even possible? Then I had some grapes and realised how rubbish the human mouth is. You crush grapes with your molars, but your molars are only situated at the sides of your mouth. So you can have that lovely, grapey juice sprayed all over the left side of your mouth, and you can have it sprayed all over the right side, but when you begin to realise that the middle of your tongue is feeling a bit dry, tough shit!

Also, I found that my mum keeps rubbish pictures of me in her bedside draw. (I was looking for money.) I think she's planning to blackmail me with them in my later life. And I don't want to be reminded of how many calories there are in a KitKat every time I go to eat one! I've just got into KitKats (I always thought they were a bit dull), and now the government wants to ruin them for me?! I know they're not just going to print this info on the front of KitKats, but that was what they put a picture up of on the news when the story broke, so at the moment, they're my main concern. It's all very well trying to put the fat people off their food, but what about the skinny people? The skinny people who, if they eat any less, will, quite frankly, die. Do you see why this is a stupid idea, Tony Blair? I even used lots of commas to emphasise my point. In fact, it probably won't even put fat people off their food. The reason they're fat is that they don't give a fuck. If they're fat and still eat shit-loads of chocolate, putting "200 calories" on the front of a KitKat is hardly going to make much difference.

I'll leave you with a poem. Wrote it ages ago, but obviously haven't written a proper entry in a while, and I didn't think it was good enough to merit an entry to itself. Originally about sandwich fillings, I think it applies pretty well to life in general. It's called This Poem Is Too Short to Make a Title Worthwhile.

Some people say that less is best,
I.e. "Less is more",
But I put the theory to the test
And more is more, for sure.