My purpose
I'm starting to think that I have none. I'm not sure I'm cut out for university. I'm sure that Computer Science is the wrong subject for me, but if not that, what? I've applied to do Maths and Philosophy, but I've just started reading The Open Society And Its Enemies by Karl Popper, and I'm thinking: I don't want to do Philosophy. Plato's theory of Forms? What the fuck's all that about? Okay, I realise that that's just one of one philosopher's theories on one topic, and I realise that it's 1:28 in the morning, but still. As for maths... well that's cool, but I frequently wonder whether I'm actually good enough to do it at degree level. Also, I really can't see myself using anything I learn from the course once I've graduated, so what's the point?
Then I begin to wish that I'd done English Lit at A-level, allowing me to do that as a degree, but who the fuck am I kidding? I don't read literature. I don't read books. In fact, I'm worried that lack of reading experience is part of the reason I'm struggling through this book I'm reading at the moment so much. Although it's probably mainly because it's shit. So what am I to do? Which subject is for me? I'm not sure I'm interested in anything at all, at least not when it comes to learning, hence the answer to the question is quite possible "none".
I'm now considering leaving Cambridge, not to then go to a different uni but just to bypass the whole higher education period of my life altogether. But then what? Go travelling? That's hardly a life plan. Bombard The Times with reviews and columns until they offer me a job? I'm a lazy writer. Plus, that's stupid. Start a band? Tour the gig circuit, hoping for a record contract? I'm a shit guitarist. And I haven't been able to sing in years. I could be the greatest songwriter of my generation, but how will I ever know or, more importantly, ever exploit the fact if I have no way to ilustrate my vision? It's like having this massive V8 engine which looks the absolute bollocks, but having no car to put it in. For fuck's sake, the thing might be damaged beyond use, but how can you know if you can't try it? I think maybe that's my greatest fear.
Then I begin to wish that I'd done English Lit at A-level, allowing me to do that as a degree, but who the fuck am I kidding? I don't read literature. I don't read books. In fact, I'm worried that lack of reading experience is part of the reason I'm struggling through this book I'm reading at the moment so much. Although it's probably mainly because it's shit. So what am I to do? Which subject is for me? I'm not sure I'm interested in anything at all, at least not when it comes to learning, hence the answer to the question is quite possible "none".
I'm now considering leaving Cambridge, not to then go to a different uni but just to bypass the whole higher education period of my life altogether. But then what? Go travelling? That's hardly a life plan. Bombard The Times with reviews and columns until they offer me a job? I'm a lazy writer. Plus, that's stupid. Start a band? Tour the gig circuit, hoping for a record contract? I'm a shit guitarist. And I haven't been able to sing in years. I could be the greatest songwriter of my generation, but how will I ever know or, more importantly, ever exploit the fact if I have no way to ilustrate my vision? It's like having this massive V8 engine which looks the absolute bollocks, but having no car to put it in. For fuck's sake, the thing might be damaged beyond use, but how can you know if you can't try it? I think maybe that's my greatest fear.
posted by Adam at
1:46 am
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