Crisis of confidence
I'm having one of those at the moment. Started on Saturday. I feel like I'm shit at everything. And I know nothing. And I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin (although I've always felt like that). Wrote my entry for the school yearbook yesterday. Not going to submit it though, because it's shit. It's partly to do with me screwing up all my mocks at school. Then on Saturday I had shitty driving lesson, where I realised I'll never be able to drive. I spoke to my mum about it and she said: "Don't worry - plenty of people who succeed academically struggle with other things. It's the way your brain works." Which basically reignited every paranoid fear I've ever had that I can't do anything apart from have academic success, purely because I'm clever. So then I convinced myself that I'm useless at everything else as well. And this was all preceded by my dad making me aware of how scared he is that I'm going to fuck my whole life up if I take a gap year ("What you going to do if you don't get into Oxford?!"). Thanks for the confidence, dad.
So I hate my dad for having no faith in me, my mum for giving me just as little faith in myself, and my sister for being a selfish bitch, depriving me of sleep by running around the house with her friends at 3 o'clock in the morning, and for forcing me to share in every single ounce of her teenage pain (comes home from school - "I hate my life! Wah wah wah wah wah! Nobody understands me! Wah wah wah wah wah! My braces haven't made my teeth straight! Wah wah wah wah wah!" Okay... shut up now), and then laughing or interrupting whenever I want to discuss any of my "pathetic" concerns with someone, or screaming her head off as soon as she realises that, just for a moment, someone's getting more attention than her. Oh, and I hate everyone else for sharing too much DNA with my family. It's lonely. I guess that explains why I'm not going to bother submitting my yearbook entry. And possibly why I've been saying a lot lately that makes me think "Why the fuck did I say that?!", although not necessarily whether I'm right or not in thinking that I keep making a twat of myself, and if so, why that's the case. Ooh, ooh, ooh, and I don't like living under the shadow of the thought that my suicide's an inevitability. Not sure what that's got to do with anything, just something that I recently realised I thought.
So anyway, having come to terms with the fact that I'm going to amount to nothing, and that I don't have long to do it, I've decided to try to get my blog back on track. Bear in mind, though, that quantity is likely to come at the price of quality. Plus, you know... I'm shit.
So I hate my dad for having no faith in me, my mum for giving me just as little faith in myself, and my sister for being a selfish bitch, depriving me of sleep by running around the house with her friends at 3 o'clock in the morning, and for forcing me to share in every single ounce of her teenage pain (comes home from school - "I hate my life! Wah wah wah wah wah! Nobody understands me! Wah wah wah wah wah! My braces haven't made my teeth straight! Wah wah wah wah wah!" Okay... shut up now), and then laughing or interrupting whenever I want to discuss any of my "pathetic" concerns with someone, or screaming her head off as soon as she realises that, just for a moment, someone's getting more attention than her. Oh, and I hate everyone else for sharing too much DNA with my family. It's lonely. I guess that explains why I'm not going to bother submitting my yearbook entry. And possibly why I've been saying a lot lately that makes me think "Why the fuck did I say that?!", although not necessarily whether I'm right or not in thinking that I keep making a twat of myself, and if so, why that's the case. Ooh, ooh, ooh, and I don't like living under the shadow of the thought that my suicide's an inevitability. Not sure what that's got to do with anything, just something that I recently realised I thought.
So anyway, having come to terms with the fact that I'm going to amount to nothing, and that I don't have long to do it, I've decided to try to get my blog back on track. Bear in mind, though, that quantity is likely to come at the price of quality. Plus, you know... I'm shit.
posted by Adam at
6:31 pm
7 Comments:
You will amount to something! You're not just clever, you're funny, your heart's in the right place, you can play football, pull the strings on a guitar, write songs, you're creative... bet you can do anything you put your mind to.
It's usually the nicest people who seem so happy and funny that have been through the most in their past.
You're a great person, with a lot of positive attributes you just don't realise it.
I've probably got you to thank for me still being here. :$
Your suicide is not inevitable (okay I probably spelt that wrong...), the world would be a worse place without people like you (NICE people) in it. :(
I appreciate you'll probably want to shoot me after this comment (maybe because what you think I've said is rubbish (but it's not) (ooo brackets within brackets), maybe because I'm just a person people would like to shoot, I don't know.)
By
Anonymous, at 1:25 pm
I think you need to step away from life, stand back and take account of what you've done so far. Not rush into the future and the so called 'inevitable'.
You are obviously a very intelligent person and the doubting of your own abilities is just part of the process that most people who want to amount to something will go through.
What you have to do is step back and think about what good constantly critising yourself will do. I used to be like that and it didn't get me anywhere, it got me in the worst state. It still happens to me now and I find stepping back from it all helpful.
Btw, you don't know who I am, I found your blog accidently you could say, and you probably never will.
Adieu.
By
Anonymous, at 12:09 am
i follow this blog. Please post more :)
By
Anonymous, at 9:15 pm
Hey, I've been reading about your Oxford/Cambridge dilema, and thought I'd share my experience with you to see if it helped.
I was at Cambridge last year, and hated pretty much every second of it. It turned my from a happy, bubbly, confident and ambitious person to a mere quaking shadow of my former self. I stuck it out the year, but had lost all confidence and my health had deteriorated badly. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. However, before I went, I was certain this was the place I wanted to go, and was certain that this was the course I wanted to do. I'm now doing the same course at a different Uni, and loving it. I'm in the minority though, most people love it, even those who had doubts before they arrived. My point is that you can't predict how things will turn out...
I wasn't sure if it's the course and/or the place that you're concerned about. If it's just the course, have you looked at the possibility of switching courses at Camb? If it's the place, well, tbh, I'm not sure that Oxford will be much different, aside from the obvious factors. My advice would be to spend a fair amount of time at both places (if you can, preferably during term time, but I realise that may not be possible with exams etc) and just get a better feel for them.
I don't wish to sound judgemental, but it sounds like your parents put an awful lot of pressure on you, and although I realise it's difficult, try not to let their wants and wishes affect your decision. Ultimately, if it turns out you follow what they want, and you're unhappy, you will blame them - and I'm sure they wouldn't want that. It's imperative that you do what's right for you, and I understand that will be difficult in your circumstances.
I wish you the best of luck in whichever path you wish to take. Don't worry if you choose what appears on face value to be the wrong path; everything is fixable. My experiences of last year, and the experiences of rebuilding myself this year, have turned me into a far richer person with a strength of character that had eluded me before Cambridge; I feel proud to be who I am today. In hindsight, despite all the struggles and all the pain, it was the right path, and I know that you'll make the right decision whichever you choose. Choose with determination, choose with self-belief that you're making the right decision for you, choose with a little bit of gut instinct, and choose with all your heart.
I wish you the very best of luck. Take care.
By
Anonymous, at 9:25 am
Return to TSR :D
By
Anonymous, at 8:50 pm
which other uni's did u apply to???
By
Anonymous, at 8:58 pm
This comment system is so crap. Should be like LiveJournal, where you can reply to comments individually. I'd switch to LiveJournal, except... it's dull. Oh well.
1+2) Aww. You're both very sweet :)
3) Thanks for the advice. Seems a bit inefficient though :p
4) Okay.
5) I really want to go to Oxbridge, I'm just having doubts about the course, and ones that are unlikely to be unjustified. If I went through with going to Cambridge next year, I just don't know what course would be for me. Maths and Philosophy seems ideal, but it's not offered, hence the whole plan to pull out and apply to Oxford. And thank you :)
6) I did, but they deleted my post. Don't think they want me back much. Maybe one day.
7) Imperial, Southampton, Warwick, York and Nottingham.
On another note, scored a great goal playing football yesterday. Clearance to the edge of the box, I killed it about 3 feet off the ground with the outside of my right foot, then as it bounced, volleyed it, with my right foot again, into the top left corner. Was sweet.
By
Adam, at 9:31 pm
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