Too much, too young
I can't be old enough to hate my life, can I? I don't mean in a teen-angst "oh my God, everyone hates me!" kind of way either, rather a full-blown "my life's going nowhere and I might as well give up" type thing. A mid-life crisis at 17. Almost as impressive as 3 hyphenated words in 2 sentences. And all because I got into Cambridge. (3 consectutive sentences beginning with words beginning with 'A' now. Me and my crazy language skills.) I thought it was what I wanted. I thought that if I got an offer I'd be happy. And... I'm more miserable than I've ever been. I don't want to study Computer Science. I don't want a career in computing. All I can keep thinking is that I've made a terrible mistake based on a childhood dream to design computer games. Why didn't I realise that that was all I was doing when I applied to the course? It seems absurd that someone supposedly so intelligent can fail to appreciate his own thinking until it's too late.
Should I have applied to do Maths and Philosophy at Oxford? Yes, I should have. The philosophy would have provided me with the inspiration for my art whilst the maths would have mentally challenged me and left me feeling satisfied. Having said that, if I had applied to do that instead of CompSci, I'm not at all convinced that I wouldn't still be having the same doubts. Whenever something I thought I wanted comes along, something that I thought would make me happy, I always concentrate on the negative. If I'd applied to Oxford, I don't see any reason why that wouldn't have still been the case. Right now I'm thinking that I just need to get to Cambridge, see that everything is fine and I'll be good, but second-guessing myself, I'll probably find something else to be miserable about even when that turns out to be the case. Is that depression - always looking to the future for that one thing that will definitely make you happy, missing out on the moment in the process, and then once the future comes, failing to be happy with that thing you were so certain would make you happy and once again looking to something else? I think it is.
In addition to the course fears, I still don't think that uni is for me. If I want to be a writer or a musician, which I do, what real good is a degree going to do me? People say that if the degree will be useless, the experience will be worthwhile. I just don't believe them. 3-4 years is a long time. I could write a play or become half-decent at the guitar in that time, maybe even both! At the same time I have this constant fear that these are not very realistic ambitions, especially now with this extreme lack of self-confidence I have (thinking that I've just made one of the biggest mistakes in my life). So I'll probably fail to make myself a success in what I genuinely want to do. Add to that the fact that I'm currently single and haven't ever had a long-term girlfriend, and you get a life completely devoid of meaning and a man (me) destined to be unhappy for the duration of it. Hurrah.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me wanting to kill myself, fairly inevitably, although the thought of my mum's face if I did so holds me back. As such I have continually been on the brink of tears for the last few days, although I can't cry, just because I can't. Possibly psychosomatic. I'm also can't seem to stop twitching. Nowhere in particular; arms, legs, back, stomach, face - pretty much everywhere. Definitely psychosomatic. Not sleeping either, just lying in bed in hot sweats, twitching. I think I had some other stuff to say, I'm not really sure. My mind keeps drifting (got on the wrong today, only to change onto another wrong one, such is the absent-mindedness). The main point of this was to help me decide where I go from here, so please don't tell me that I'm just a spoilt brat. I've had enough of that today, both from myself and others. Oh yeah, and thanks to everyone who took time to congratulate me on my Cambridge offer :)
Should I have applied to do Maths and Philosophy at Oxford? Yes, I should have. The philosophy would have provided me with the inspiration for my art whilst the maths would have mentally challenged me and left me feeling satisfied. Having said that, if I had applied to do that instead of CompSci, I'm not at all convinced that I wouldn't still be having the same doubts. Whenever something I thought I wanted comes along, something that I thought would make me happy, I always concentrate on the negative. If I'd applied to Oxford, I don't see any reason why that wouldn't have still been the case. Right now I'm thinking that I just need to get to Cambridge, see that everything is fine and I'll be good, but second-guessing myself, I'll probably find something else to be miserable about even when that turns out to be the case. Is that depression - always looking to the future for that one thing that will definitely make you happy, missing out on the moment in the process, and then once the future comes, failing to be happy with that thing you were so certain would make you happy and once again looking to something else? I think it is.
In addition to the course fears, I still don't think that uni is for me. If I want to be a writer or a musician, which I do, what real good is a degree going to do me? People say that if the degree will be useless, the experience will be worthwhile. I just don't believe them. 3-4 years is a long time. I could write a play or become half-decent at the guitar in that time, maybe even both! At the same time I have this constant fear that these are not very realistic ambitions, especially now with this extreme lack of self-confidence I have (thinking that I've just made one of the biggest mistakes in my life). So I'll probably fail to make myself a success in what I genuinely want to do. Add to that the fact that I'm currently single and haven't ever had a long-term girlfriend, and you get a life completely devoid of meaning and a man (me) destined to be unhappy for the duration of it. Hurrah.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me wanting to kill myself, fairly inevitably, although the thought of my mum's face if I did so holds me back. As such I have continually been on the brink of tears for the last few days, although I can't cry, just because I can't. Possibly psychosomatic. I'm also can't seem to stop twitching. Nowhere in particular; arms, legs, back, stomach, face - pretty much everywhere. Definitely psychosomatic. Not sleeping either, just lying in bed in hot sweats, twitching. I think I had some other stuff to say, I'm not really sure. My mind keeps drifting (got on the wrong today, only to change onto another wrong one, such is the absent-mindedness). The main point of this was to help me decide where I go from here, so please don't tell me that I'm just a spoilt brat. I've had enough of that today, both from myself and others. Oh yeah, and thanks to everyone who took time to congratulate me on my Cambridge offer :)
11 Comments:
I think you should do English, I love the way you write.
By Anonymous, at 5:24 pm
I agree with the above, you do write very well Adam, then again, Haberdasher Aske is a good school. Hehe.
I think listening to all the emo shit, Funeral For A Friend, et al is making you depressed. Maybe go for a little Britney to liven up your mood.
Or maybe contact jo@samaritans.org, no-one ever overheard an email, as the adverts say on the tube.
Hahum.
By Anonymous, at 8:51 am
my brother is doing comp science at manchester
he is now in his third year
he is totally bored of it
he was going to do a degree...but is now having second thoughts
i hope this helps :)
By Anonymous, at 4:26 pm
Firstly congrats on your offer, whether you want to go or not, its still an nice achievement.
I've felt like that too(about my life going nowhere), and I eventually realised that no matter how much you cry or feel like shit, it doesnt change anything, you just end up feeling worse. I think i just made a decision with myself one day to look on the bright side, smile and put up with it, with the thought that eventually, everything will fall into place and I'll be happy.
In the same way as you think your life is going nowhere, what do think about other peoples? Everyones life boils down to the same; education-work-death, what does anyone else have to look forward to that you don't? People have obviously found some things to wanna live for. Its the little things in life that make it what it is, being with friends, family etc, not looking forward to that one big thing in your life that you think will make you happy, because in the end, like you say, it'll be a disappointment because you will have built it up to be better than it really can be.
As for choosing the wrong course, I think you're right that it'd probably be the same if you'd done maths and philosphy. Its just a different means to the same end, which is coming out 4 years later and still having to find a job of some sort which you dont enjoy, and having a Computer science rather than a maths and philosophy degree's not gonna make much difference in the long run unless you want to write programs all your life - its just a degree otherwise. I cant see how going to uni is not going to be a good experience, or at least how is it going to be a bad one, worse than staying at home with nothing to do? If you want to be a writer or play guitar, you can...and surrounded by people who share those same interests. Its not like you wont have time to do the things you want at uni. And anyway, if you get there and by this time next year, you decide that its not for you afterall, then you can leave, what have you lost?
Wow, that was long.
By Anonymous, at 3:04 am
From The way this post was written,I feel that you're not depressed ,you're just scared of the future,more like stressed about whether you took the right decission,but Adam every teenager is like that,computer science is good,I dont see it as a bad course,but if you dont like it,then why do you want to take it,just look for something that will provide a good stable future and happiness in the same time,I dont see singing or writing plays as a realistic paths,because if people got bored of you your doomed you have nothing except your degree,it's like these curcis(sp?) people who walks on a thread,there is a major possiblity that they might fall,well maybe that is not true but it's just my opinion.
so you can look at it this way
I have cambridge acceptance,same time I still have a chance to change my mind what path do I really want to take.
6 months of now you'd just look at your self how your worrying your self and even reached the extent of thinking about killing your self for something that doesn't worth it and laugh;)
By Anonymous, at 3:00 pm
I promise you you'd feel just the same with maths and philo. there are no 'right' paths in life, just different ones, get to cambridge aim for a 2:1, spend your weekends playing guitar. end result= good uni (people assume ur clever), good job guarantee if the other options don't work out. now accept that its all gonna be ok. in other words, go with the flow. cos it will be fine.
By Anonymous, at 4:43 pm
hey dude,
I randomly found this blog through TSR and recognise what you're going through. You'll get over it, I'm sure. I happen to know a few people from Askes actually, as I live in South London, they're into emo and stuff like me, so maybe I've actually met you or randomly seen you at a gig (FFAF at the forum?/Bloc Party at Heaven?/36 Crazyfists at Mean Fiddler?). And well done on your Cambridge offer, I had a pool re-interview yesterday and am now rather anxious about it.
By Anonymous, at 11:50 am
Know you feel rubbish but it really isn’t the end of the world!!!
And a degree is worth it IMO anyway, three more years of studying won't kill you, the experience truly is incredible.
In the mean time do what you love, achieve a balance and don't become too overmelodramatic. Everyone makes mistakes. You're human at the end of the day.
From a well wisher.
By Anonymous, at 9:24 pm
i think i don't know how to navigate around this site. i made a comment sumwhere and ermmmm i cannot find it...but mwahaha i copied before i submitted. (u see its cos strange things happen when i post...magically the computer will freeze or i get dc...i seemed to have developed this copying as a caution...plz don't say i sound sad!?...i'm sure u all copy before submitting) Anyway here it is and my sincere apologises if it is already around. btw if u find it please lemme know so that i don't look like a complete idiot. this is wat i wrote...
hey adam...i have jst been introduced to ure blog by a mate of ures..ermmm i dunno wat else to say!!? well hmm yea every1 has situations and i've been thru loads myself.
Anyway i wanna let u know tht ure mate sure thinks loads about u cos he goes if u want inspiration read this blog...ie YOUR blog!!!! i was thinking ermm wat u trying to say about my blog?..i don't care if u find my blog boring cos uhmmm its jst my let out point...
i haven't read all of ur blog but i think u are quite fond of the word twat..lol. at least u not saying losers...i like to say tht...or damn..hate life..and urghhhhhh....Anyway smile and enjoy life...its never gonna cum again so u best make the most of it. tc jyoti...
By Anonymous, at 6:24 pm
Hey Jyoti. Original comment here: http://zapsta.blogspot.com/2004/11/back-down-again.html#comments , in reference to the entry down at the bottom of the page. And yeah, I copy all my posts before I submit them as well, although there's always this fear that I'll press control X by mistake, or control V when I've already got something copied :o. Who introduced you, by the way?
By Adam, at 6:52 pm
yay i'm not the only one who copys....and yeah i so understand that shortcut controls thing...thats deffo another worry for me..its never happened but who knows? ahem (i must stop worrying!)
anyway it was viral and apparently ure chem teach mr lau was frm our school...but i cannot ever remember there being a mr lau at our school..maybe he taught at the boys school rather than the girls!? Anyway I think viral read my blog n thort urghh how does this girl type cos as you can tell i need to make better use of the english language. everyone here types so well..you ppl even have capital letters at the start of ure sentences!! lol.
Also adam i was wondering whether you would be able to delete my other post as it seems pointless to have the same thing up twice. (i tried to delete it but i don't know how...man get me openly admitting my fantastic knowledge of computers!?) Also Adam i was thinking..like i do..anyhoo i think you should consider a gap year so that you can try your other things out...like that comic strip..I'm on a gap and its done no harm..apart from making my english sloppy..but *cough* i have now been INSPIRED to correct that..seriously i feel i should make a mre conscientious effort to type properly and hopefully the thinking involved in structuring sentences and paragraphs will keep my brain active..
By Anonymous, at 6:06 pm
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