Gay

I still can't sleep. Or type, apparently. It's taken me about 20 minutes to type these two sentences. I keep pressing the 'o' key instead of the 'i' one. Whatever. I'm really tired. I slept for 10 hours last night, and didn't get up until 3:15 this afternoon, but I'm still really tired. Kept dozing off while watching Match of the Day, so when it finished, I got into my pyjamas and went to bed. Except when I actually wanted to doze off, I couldn't. Starting to become a bit of a regular occurrence. Dozing off and then not being able to sleep, I mean. Not being able to sleep has been regular for ages. And it's not even like I'm getting power naps either. I'm getting nothing.

Really, I should be trying to sleep right now, but there's only so long I'm willing to give it. I know it's a cliché, "Don't leave me alone with my thoughts", blah blah, but seriously, I can't be. I'll lie there for an hour with the intention of trying to sleep (trying to sleep?), but inevitably going over everything in my head, before reaching the conclusion that everything is futile. I asked for sleeping pills, but apparently, since my insomnia is probably just a result of my depression, we have to deal with the underlying problem. Well having to go through the nightly torment of trying to get to sleep is pretty fucking depressing, so why don't we start with that? And don't give me that "We don't want you to become dependent" crap. I'm already fucking dependent. Just because I'm not taking them already...

So I got my psychiatrist to arrange an emergency appointment with my GP so I could be referred to another psychiatrist, if not someone who will prescribe me sleeping pills then at least someone who won't say "Let's deal with your depression first" without any fucking idea about how to go about it. For some reason my GP deciding to give me her own little counselling session. I don't think she got the point of why I was there. Or she didn't believe my psychiatrist when he phoned her and asked her to see me so I could be referred to another psychiatrist. It's all an elaborate ploy for me to unnecessarily see a psychiatrist!

To be fair, in that 10 minutes, I probably did more of what I always imagined I'd be doing in therapy than I did in the entire year I spent with my last psychiatrist. You know, the whole "Well I think it all started when I was 8" kind of thing. I was quite a complex 8-year-old. Then I told her how I only have two friends at Bristol, and I'm really dreading going back there, so she asked me if I had friends in London, and I told her I did but I don't see them very often, so she told me I should spend more time with them. Which, I think, is pretty fucking obvious. "I'm depressed because I'm lonely." "Spend more time with them." Bingo! Here's the thing though: they're all cunts. They're either dull as fuck, or they do want to do stuff but they can't be arsed to do it, or they think they're too good for me, or I think they're too good for me, or they just blow me off and slowly cut me out of their lives for no apparent reason. Seriously, that covers everyone. All of my "friends" I like, anyway, but I think it's fair enough to not really consider the ones I don't like to be friends.

Here's an example. When I got back from the doctor's, I decided to call one of my friends. It had nothing to do with the fact the doctor suggested I saw more of my friends; I'd been planning to call her for a while and this just happened to be a convenient time to do it. So I call her, she's very friendly and giggly, then she says "Look, I'm on the phone to someone else at the moment, and then I have to give my grandma a lift to the bank, so can I call you back in an hour?" and I say she can (because it would be have been unreasonable to say otherwise... and also because it meant I wouldn't have to pay for the phone bill if we ended up having a long conversation). So an hour goes and I still haven't heard anything from her. Fair enough. Maybe she was busier than she thought she was. Three hours gone; still nothing. Once again, she could have just got caught up in things. Not caught up enough to not be able to edit her Facebook profile and comment on some photos on there, obviously (since my "news feed" told me that's what she'd been doing, in case you hadn't cottoned on), but caught up enough to not call me back like she said she would. Or indeed within the 36 hours afterwards.

I wouldn't usually be this paranoid... okay, I would, but there's a back-story. A couple of months ago, I went up to Cambridge for her birthday. But most of the time I was there, I felt completely ignored and unwanted, as if she'd only invited me because she thought I wouldn't come. Also, while I was in Bristol beforehand, she kept telling me she had no credit on her phone, so she couldn't call me, only text me. Therefore, as part of her present I bought her £10 of credit for her phone. She seemed appreciative, but it didn't mean she called me. Obviously she has other friends, and I wasn't expecting her to spend all of it on me, but I thought I'd get at least a "Hi! I'm using the credit you bought me! Woooooooo!" But no. Nothing.

Back in Bristol, I got a few "Hey, how are you texts?" which I responded to accordingly, but even when I reciprocated the question (i.e. always), she neglected to play her part in any conversation. When I was in Cambridge, she told me she'd come up to Bristol to see me towards the end of term, but obviously that never materialised, and then I didn't hear from her while I was back in London until New Year's Day. Fairly predictably, it was a "happy new year" message, so I replied with the same, with the addition of "Am I going to see you before you go back to Cambridge?" Which I regret now, because the only two times I've said it to anyone (this being the second), it seems to have ruined any relationship I have with them. I know it's worded slightly awkwardly, but I'm a slightly awkward guy. Is it really enough to make people think "I don't want to speak to this guy again, EVER"? Anyway, her reply was "hopefully...", which doesn't strike me as the most enthusiastic response, and only served to aggravate what happened later in the week when she failed to call me back as promised.

Now obviously, she can't be expected to know all the things that go through my head and the way I put them together, and act accordingly so as to be as unambiguously friendly as possible (assuming I'm just being pessimistic and interpreting everything incorrectly - if I'm getting it all right, then it's probably deliberate and she shouldn't give a fuck what's going through my head anyway), but she does know that I'm having a bad run of things at the moment/generally and that I really need to be spending time with my friends. Same goes for all my friends. And yet, very few of them have made any effort to see me during the Christmas holidays, even less have made any effort which appears to be concerted, and when I try to make the effort to see them, it rarely gets me anywhere. Barring my neighbour, I've seen one friend this Christmas, once. That's a pretty shitty return for anyone, never mind a depressive. And what am I supposed to take from their lack of effort, or even agreeability? That they don't care? Do I have to reach total self-destruction before they think to themselves "Had better check up on Adam today and see he's okay"? Because that's the way it's going. In a world where I need friends, but I have none and am incapable of making any, I don't see how it can end in any other way.