Another record review

In future, these are only going to be available here, but I was so proud of this one that I thought it would be unfair on you guys not to post it as one last hurrah. This is a review of Kasabian's new single, "Shoot the Runner":

Shoot the runner, shoot-shoot the runner? That's a bit harsh. I mean, what did the runner ever do to anyone? How about shoot Kasabian, shoot-shoot Kasabian, preferably with headshots, then cut their bodies up into tiny little pieces, just in case Satan decides to possess them so as to continue the subjection of the world to their music, having realised that he can create no more horrible torture of his own. Seriously, I know I'm supposed to be constructive, but I don't know what to suggest short of Kasabian enlisting the services of someone who can actually write songs, or maybe replacing each member with a runner-up from The X Factor.

That noise in the eleventh second… I thought it was someone saying "Shh". I thought Kasabian were going to shut up, and I could sit back and think "Well, it's an improvement over their previous work at least". But alas, it was just someone opening a fizzy drink. That's what I'm led to believe anyway, by the equally unnecessary "Ahh!" in the fourteenth. Look, I know the guitar chords are ripped straight out of the 70s, I'm guessing in an effort to replicate the success Wolfmother have had of late by doing likewise, and I think the attempt to distract from this by adding the sound of someone drinking a Pepsi over the top (do any of the leading soft drinks manufacturers get royalties for this song, by the way?), although misguided, is valiant, I really do, but couldn't they have just… you know… actually done something original instead? Oh, and I like the way the melody/instrumentation (scattergun approach – nice) completely changes after exactly two minutes. Well, I say "like"… What I mean is, it's further evidence that Kasabian produce some of the most contrived music in the world today.

The lyrics are shocking. The ones I can understand are, anyway, which pretty much limits them to just the chorus, the one part of the song which isn't aided either by a complete lack of a vocal melody (as opposed to the verses, which are hindered by the very presence of one). In general, I'm not too keen on repetition of lyrics within the same chorus, but I think in cases like this, where the lyrics are so bad that they make me wish, not just that I'd never heard them, but also that I'd never learnt English, thus rendering me incapable of even imagining them, new words for each line should be absolutely mandatory, if only for the sake of possibly stumbling across something not so gut-wrenchingly horrendous. Apart from that, maybe some elocution lessons could be in order?

Positives… positives… The end's quite good, you know, in the sense that IT'S THE END. Or at least it would be, if someone hadn't come up with the bright idea of putting the song on the promo copy THREE TIMES. Whoever you are, please don't do that again. Thank you.